dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
