and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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