After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
