He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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