How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
