i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
