this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
