someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
