I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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