This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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