The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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