I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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