woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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