Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
