Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
