Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
