Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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