hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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