I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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