He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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