It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize