i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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