Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
