My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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