I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
