remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm passing your future prison.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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