Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
