I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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