Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
false alarm. still invincible.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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