I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
