john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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