I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
