Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
