Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
