Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
