Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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