So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
