dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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