why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
