So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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