I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
