sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
