I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
