so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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