chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
