You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
