My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize