If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
