this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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