true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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