Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
