I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Will you blow on my dice?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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