everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
