I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
