i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
