so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
