I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
