My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
